Contributor: Ryan Moffat, BS in Bible and Theology from Multnomah University. Pastor of Vast Church.
There’s no pain like relational pain. If my stomach hurts I can take a Tums, if my arm is broken I can get a sling and a serious painkiller but where do you go when most important relationships become the source of the deepest pains?
Divorce isn’t just the loss of a spouse, it’s the death of a dream. The death of a future together, the death of a life together, the death of the single greatest relationship that you can have with another human being here on earth.
How do you process that without moving to destructive coping mechanisms?
There is way, here are three important things to consider when processing divorce in a healthy manner.
1. Process your divorce depending on God’s strength and help
One of the great tragedies that most people believe about God today is that He only loves me if I perform well. That is simply NOT the God of the Bible! 1 Peter 5 says (quoting Psalm 22), “Cast your cares on the Lord because He cares for you”.
Do you believe that today? That the Living God actually knows, cares and wants to enter into the pain of life with you? That’s EXACTLY what Jesus did.
He enters into the pain of all pains when He goes on the cross (the cruelest death you can die) and severs His infinitely great relationship with His Father so the sin problem could be solved. God knows and cares, process your relational pain with Him.
2. Process your divorce my owning your part (no more, no less)
What was your part in the dissolution of the marriage; 10%, 43%, 90%? It actually doesn’t matter what your exact percent is because the key is to own 100% of your wrongdoing.
Where you were irresponsible own it! Where you were unloving own it! Do the work of Psalm 139, “Search my heart O God and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any wayward way in me and lead me in your way everlasting.”
3. Process your divorce with kindness and civility
Too many divorces are marked by anger, rage, and fighting all motivated by a desire to control, manipulate and protect an image, a relationship or a bank account.
Commit right now to processing the pain (actually moving to the hard stuff) in a state of humility and teachability! Instead of seeking to be right, seek to listen.
Give of Yourself
Instead of seeking to protect your assets, seek to serve and give.
Instead of seeking to control how the kids will perceive you, seek to love and serve your children.
Truly mature people know how to move into pain without controlling people or outcomes.
Commit to moving into the relational mess as a kind, civil human being.
Because Jesus went all the way with His love on the cross you can have confidence today that you’re not unloved or beyond redemption.
Jesus is the master at taking the brokenness and making beauty of it once again.
Community Discussion – Share your thoughts here!
What has been your experience with divorce in recovery? What steps did you take to find healing?
About the Author: Ryan received his BS in Bible and Theology and a minor in counseling from Multnomah University. He has pastored students, families and is passionate about Christ-centered recovery and healing.
He’s been married to his beautiful wife Michelle for 13 years and they enjoy raising four crazy, unique and special kids together. Ryan is the teaching pastor at Vast Church in Sisters, OR and is currently working on his Masters in Theology at Western Seminary in Portland, OR
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Last Updated & Reviewed By: Jacquelyn Ekern, MS, LPC on December 30, 2015
Published on AddictionHope.com