I married a wonderful woman that fulfilled all of my wants and needs and I likewise hers. I had dreams and aspirations for the marriage, as she seemed to. It is a wonderful and gratifying feeling to be married to someone you truly feel you love and trust and to receive the same in return.
We spent a lot of time together talking about our dreams and making plans for how to go about achieving them.
My life felt complete and I thanked God every day for the wonderful gift He had bestowed upon me. I was working nights in an ICU about a 45-minute car ride away. During my days off I slept, paid bills and went about making our marriage a happy and fulfilling one. We also enjoyed a very active sex life.
Back Then, Sex Was a “Conquest”
Sex for me was at one time more of a sport or drive for conquest. As a younger man I had sought to compensate for my lack of self-esteem with attractive women’s approval. What says “I approve of you” better than “I am willing to share my most intimate self with you”?
I sought the approval of my peers with my latest “acquisition”. I suppose it was something akin to buying a Ferrari and driving it over for my friends to gawk and feel jealous. If I could attain this, that meant I was not only OK, but better than you.
In a way I endeavored to cause my friends to say things about me or otherwise convince me to feel about myself the way I wished I did.
Hitting Rock Bottom as a Sex Addict
For me there came a time when I hit bottom on this behavior. When I finished having sex with these women I still felt empty. I realized that I was only using them, and they likewise were using me for the same ends. I felt hollow and empty.
I had to ask myself why this didn’t seem to be working for me anymore. Why did I feel so badly about myself?
I took out a piece of paper and divided it into two columns. On the left I headed the column “What I Believe About Sex”, on the right I headed the column “What I Believe About Love” I sat there and listed out the values and beliefs I held about each topic. I soon found that my actions were in conflict with my beliefs.
Fitting My Actions with My Beliefs
In fact, my beliefs and values had nothing at all to do with the way I was conducting myself in my life. No wonder I felt empty. No wonder I was lacking in self-esteem! I didn’t esteem the things I was doing.
The only way to get real self-esteem is by doing esteemable things! When I begin acting in a way that is consistent with my beliefs I will begin feeling like a complete man.
For me, a recovering addict, I had tools at my disposal to lift myself out of this obvious manifestation of my addiction. I worked my steps. I did a thorough inventory on relationships and my sexual behaviors that made it all very plain in all of its unattractive and revolting glory.
The Ninth Step in Recovery
As I proceeded through my step work I approached the ninth step (the step in which I seek to make amends) with some trepidation and genuine remorse. How many people had I harmed? How many people did I need to find to make amends and how would my amends be received?
I learned to let go of expectations of outcome of my amends and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe they’d yell at me, curse me, be understanding, or simply refuse to interact with me at all. The point was and still is that I try to mend the relationship and certainly amend my behavior to avoid causing others any more pain or grief.
My Marriage
The marriage I referred to at the opening of this article occurred well after my work on the sexual aspect of my addiction. I never cheated or entertained the idea of cheating on her. I thought our marriage was healthy and strong.
One day a neighbor friend of mine approached me and told me that my wife’s ex-husband had been over while I was at work. I told him I understood but that he was there to see his children and I would certainly never get in the way of that.
The Father of My Wife’s Children
I prided myself on not competing with the father of my wife’s children and encouraging their interaction with him. I never had a negative thing to say about him.
As it turns out there was much more going on while I was at work than a casual father’s visit to his children. In fact, they had been engaged in an ongoing sexual relationship since before and all throughout our marriage.
A Betrayal
I was devastated and angry. I was even more devastated and angry when I learned that her sexual escapades hadn’t been limited to her ex-husband. There were other men involved, some of them my neighbors.
At first, my wife tried to deny everything. She flew into a contrived rage and berated me for suspecting her of such a thing. I realized that for her to be able to put on an emotionally sensational show as this drew into question how much of her showing of any emotion or regard for me was actually sincere. I was repulsed.
Had our whole marriage been a lie? If she was capable of this kind of dishonesty, how could I ever trust her again? Were all of the neighbors aware of what had been going on? How big of a fool did I look like? How could she do this to me after all I had done for her and her kids? I didn’t deserve to be treated this way!
Not Spending My Life with Self-Pity or Anger
In my journey after this rude awakening, it was important for me to first understand exactly what I was feeling and to embrace those feelings but not to spend the rest of my life living in self-pity or anger. For me, it is always helpful to try to see things from as an objective a point of view as possible. My “deserving” any treatment from her had nothing to do with what she did or why she did it.
That was entirely on her.
For sure I felt a sense of betrayal, but I also felt a good deal of grief, fear, anger, guilt (what had I done wrong?), and a sprinkling of self-righteousness (a form of ego designed to insulate me from the pain I felt).
Admitting the Truth
Eventually, she was able to admit the truth, but not all of it. I had a sense that I wanted to know every last detail of everything that had been going on. I realized at some point that at least for me, knowing all of the gory details was of questionable value.
In a sense, I was punishing her by trying to get her to admit things that I knew would be embarrassing for her. I was, in a way, trying to punish her with exposure of her behavior, in every detail.
Forgiveness
This isn’t the man I knew I wanted to be. It wouldn’t make me feel better to make her feel worse. I decided at some point that I wanted to forgive her, mostly for myself.
For me, this bore a striking familiarity to the times in my life when, during moments of deep grief or desperation I had cried out to God angrily demanding an answer to the question “WHY?!” I was angry when the answers didn’t seem to be forthcoming.
I eventually came to understand that even if such an answer existed, knowing the answer to “why” probably not have made me feel any better (and this was what I really wanted, to feel better now!)
Lesson learned: God is not spiritual morphine. He is not there to take away my pain. He is there to walk me through it and ensure I get my needs met along the way.
We Are Not Alone
In this situation, one I am very aware I am not alone in, there is some healing to be had in disclosure by the contrite addict seeking to recover from their addiction.
Disclosure should have a point and the point of that disclosure is not to make the addict uncomfortable by forcing them to reveal embarrassing behaviors that they have engaged in as a form of punishment for their wrongs.
Seeking Help
Disclosures should be planned in advance and in a case like mine I would highly recommend a qualified therapist with specific training in addiction. There are sex addiction therapists out there and they can certainly help to restore sanity, trust and hope.
These very special people can offer very specialized help but they are not magicians. The sex addict must desire help and honestly desire a complete change in their lives and thinking. Such relationships are healed every day to become stronger than they ever were.
As a recovering addict, I did have some empathy for her through my thorough understanding of “Powerlessness” and fully realizing that Powerlessness means not only “using against our will” but also acting against our will. I know all too well that there were many things I did while under the control of my addiction that I deeply regretted even when I was doing them.
The Power of Control
The fact of the matter is that addiction is a destructive, violent power greater than ourselves. Of and by myself I had no power to control it, rather it controlled me completely. If I hadn’t been engaged in using in my active addiction I would never have done many of the things I did.
Certainly, now that I am in recovery, I would never entertain the idea of stealing from my family etc. I might want a new T.V., but if I don’t have the money for it I can and will wait until I do. Such self-restraint is simply not possible when under the control of the disease of addiction. We weren’t horribly bad people trying to be better, we were desperately sick people in need of recovery.
Making Peace with My Wife’s Actions
I was able to make peace with the fact that she had the same disease I did but hers was simply manifesting itself in a way that I had addressed years before our marriage. In fact, if she wanted to recover she couldn’t have found a better person to be married to.
Unfortunately, her ex-husband was irrevocably intertwined into her life and their kid’s lives. I was, at the end of the day, simply a convenience to make life easier for them while she worked out her issues with her ex-husband who had cheated on her on numerous occasions.
Perhaps I was, after all, just a tool for her revenge on him or just an extension of her disease or both.
Forgiveness Is Powerful
Being the “dispenser” of forgiveness is a very empowering experience. In fact, one can use the addict’s perceived need for forgiveness to control them for a very long time. If they do not act exactly the way we think they should act we can always haul out the bludgeon of their transgressions to beat them into submission.
We might occasionally mention that we “forgave” their betrayal in order to remind them of their “place” in the relationship. This is not forgiveness, neither is it love. This is a form of control that has fear at its core.
Resisting the Temptations
I have found peace with myself and her actions in the time following our divorce. More than once she asked if she could see me since our divorce. She was willing to drive hundreds of miles just to see me and have sex. I declined. I advised her to seek help lest she never have any peace of mind.
Truthfully I hope she finds the help she needs. I often pray for her.
I have moved on with my life. I grieved as I needed to and let it go. I walked closely with the God of my understanding and endeavored not to bring this issue into the next relationship I engaged in.
It wouldn’t be fair to demand that someone who had no part in that situation “pay bills” that belonged to my ex-wife. I have been largely successful in this endeavor. For me, I will trust someone until they show me that they cannot be trusted. Once that trust is broken it would take a willingness on the part of both parties and a lot of work to mend it.
Anger That Can Fester If We Don’t Recognize It
It isn’t so easy to “let it go” and move on. The kind of hurt we are talking about can fester and turn us into angry, bitter, cynical people. I know that I don’t want to be that sort of person. I want my existence to mean something positive for those that encounter me.
It is selfish perhaps on some level, but this is my life and I mean to make it count for something other than resentment and negativity. I mean to live as a child of the light no matter what other people’s behavior.
Find Out More Information
For more information on this and other topics relating to addiction please visit my web page www.recoveryresourcesinc.com and obtain my book “From Darkness to Light: A Primer for Recovery”. While it was written specifically for addicts seeking recovery from substance addiction, the principals it brings out have practical application in any manifestation of addiction.
It is also extremely relevant for loved one’s of addicts be they addicted to chemicals, food, gambling etc. More than one loved one of an addict has returned to me after reading this book with tearful thanks for helping them to understand the addict and their behavior.
Article Contributed By: Richard Anderson, author of “From Darkness to Light: A Primer for Recovery”. Richard is recovering from addiction on a daily basis for over 28 years.
The opinions and views of our guest contributors are shared to provide a broad perspective of addictions. These are not necessarily the views of Addiction Hope, but an effort to offer a discussion of various issues by different concerned individuals.
We at Addiction Hope understand that addictions result from a combination of environmental and genetic factors. If you or a loved one are suffering from an addiction, please know that there is hope for you, and seek immediate professional help.
Published on October 5, 2014
Last Updated & Reviewed By: Jacquelyn Ekern, MS, LPC on June 4, 2018
Published on AddictionHope.com